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Pissed-Off Moses Upset Nobody Asks Him To Help With Tablet-Related Announcements Anymore

For the last six thousand years, when you needed someone to deliver a message in tablet form to the people of earth, Moses was your man. The Book of Exodus tells the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt, ascending Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments, and delivering them on two stone tablets to the people.

Times change, and Moses, who still fancies himself the go-to guy for tablet-related announcements, feels left out once again with today's news of the iPad.

"Verily I say unto you," Moses told a group of reporters just outside the Canaan wilderness, "if thou desireth to deliver any word to the Chosen Ones in doth form of the sacred tablet, I'm still your man."

"The truth shall be sown: I speak not with faltering lips. If I'm good enough for our Lord, I'm good enough for Steve Jobs. Why has thou done this evil to me, Steve Jobs? How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me?"

A source that wished to remain anonymous revealed the real reason Moses wasn't contacted about the iPad. "Apple was worried he would smash them into bits in a fit of rage, like he did with the original Ten Commandments. Especially if he gets wind of the golden calf we have set up as a fountain in the lobby.

"One look at that thing, and it's all over. Smash, boom."

-THE EDITOR

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Lack of Reality Show Bachelor Diversity Haunts America As A Hidden Injustice

In the past eight years, ABC's The Bachelor has delighted audiences with the promise of romance, hidden turns, and suspenseful rose ceremonies. Yet a hidden injustice lies in the producer's decisions, based on the fact that all fourteen bachelors have been wealthy, attractive, and white.

"This is a disgrace, this is a travesty," author Willy Johnson told local media covering a protest outside of The Bachelor's set. "What is the network trying to tell us? I will tell you the message it sends: that unless you are a rich and muscular white dude who happens to be a pilot, naval officer, or tire manufacturer, you don't have a chance with America's beautiful women!"

Neither ABC nor the producers of The Bachelor could be reached for comment.

-THE EDITOR

Pete Carroll Completely Freezes Upon Realization That Women In Seattle At Least 845% Less Attractive Than Women In Southern California

During his introductory press conference as head coach of the National Football League's Seattle Seahawks, Pete Carroll completely froze for at least 12 minutes upon the sad and sudden realization that women in Seattle are several hundred times less attractive than the women in Southern California.

"I received a ton of support while at USC," Carroll's sentence began midway through his introductory speech. "I received it from the players, coaches, university staff, from the men and women of Southern... California..."

Reporters in the back of the conference room were not sure what was going on, but those in the first row, close enough to see what was going on behind the podium, got the idea relatively quickly.

"He had a massive boner," ESPN's Adam Schefter reported on his Twitter feed. "But when he realized that he wasn't going to be staring at insanely attractive women in bathing suits and skimpy outfits in year-round 80-degree weather, he suffered a total boner kill. I mean, it rains here 300 days out of the year. Why in the hell didn't he think of this sooner?"

"And judging by the look on his face as he left the conference with his wife," Schefter continued, "he had some 'splaining to do."

- THE EDITOR

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