Cancer Researcher Can't Get News Of Breakthrough Cure Out Behind Wall Of Endless Michael Jackson Coverage

Richard Schweda, a brilliant biochemist working at the Stanford School of Medicine, announced early Wednesday that he finally solved one of modern man's most perplexing riddles: he found a cure for cancer. The problem is that nobody seems to notice.

"You know, I really thought that people would be busting down my door," Schweda revealed in a brief phone conversation. "But I guess when a washed-up pop star that nobody cared about for 15 years dies, that takes priority over, I don't know, finding a cure for cancer."

Schweda joins a long list of events that are being overshadowed by Jackson's death. Farah Fawcett's passing, Ed McMahon's expiration, Billy Mays untimely death, and the discovery of sentient life on Saturn all fell pray to the back pages because of the massive coverage of Jackson's post-mortuary affairs.

Others find the reaction to his breakthrough astonishing. "It can't even be called lukewarm," says Stanford President John L. Hennessy. "Can someone explain to me what is so fascinating about the legal matters of Michael Jackson's estate? Why do people care what happens to his giraffes in the Neverland Ranch? A guy who endured nothing but ridicule for the better part of two decades is suddenly the most beloved pop star of a generation, and meanwhile our breakthrough which will save millions of lives is barely noticed?"

Local resident June Johnson lost two parents to cancer earlier this year, yet seems to be typical to the issue. Her comment when told about the breakthrough cure that might have saved her parents' lives: "I can't believe Michael is gone, either. He was so young."

- THE EDITOR