A Scene From The Bachelor

[Scene]

JAKE: "Have you ever been a little concerned about, like, how the emotional chemistry between us is so, like, alarmingly hot and sometimes it feels like the the physical chemistry is not quite as hot as the emotional?"

TENLEY: "What the fuck are you talking about? Are you talking about sex?"

JAKE: "No, no, it's not sexual. I mean, like, physical chemistry. Like, crazy, mad, passionate love."

TENLEY: "That sounds a lot like sex to me, frat boy."

JAKE: "I mean, we have physical heat, it's just building slowly."

TENLEY: "That's the way I think it's supposed to be. Sexually. You asshole."

JAKE: "Look, you're a perfect woman. You are perfect for me. You're fun, exciting, I love to be around you. You light up my world. My entire family is in love with you, and if I don't marry you, I think one of my hulking, creepy brothers is going to stalk you. Also, possibly my dad. You may want to look into a restraining order. And I am in love with you."

TENLEY: "Okay, what's the problem? Is it the sex?"

JAKE: [Lets loose, obviously frustrated] "Okay, fine. You got me. I mean sex. I'm talking about sex. Sex is what I'm talking about. Look, Vienna is a complete and total nutjob, but she's a minx in the sack. Plus, she has fake boobs. You're definitely smarter than me, which is a huge turnoff since I drive a flying dump truck for a living."

TENLEY: [Slaps him across the face with her muppet foot] "You jerk! The producers offered to kick me off the show instead of Ali to be the next Bachelorette, and I told them I was going to stick around for you! What was I thinking?!?!" [Sets fire to her framed collection of pictures of their dates.]

[End Scene]