The Bill Sweet Report

Will Mark Teixeira Make It Back From His Wedding In London In Time To Start At First Base For The Yankees Tonight?

2011-04-29T17:59:00.001-04:00

Samuel L.: "WE'VE GOT TO GET THESE MUTHAF^$%ING PENGUINS OFF THIS MUTHERF^$*$^ING PLANE!!!!"

2011-03-16T11:53:00.000-04:00

Where Kemba Happens

2011-03-11T12:00:00.004-05:00

Tiki Barber's Reasons For Ending Retirement At Age 36: 1) Tiger Blood, 2) Winning, 3) Duh

2011-03-08T18:15:00.003-05:00

Miguel Cabrera Tells Jim Leyland, Police That He Plays Baseball, Drives Better When He's Drunk

2011-02-17T12:34:00.004-05:00

Green Bay Packers Linebacker Frank Zombo Leads The NFL In Having An Awesome Name

2011-02-06T22:43:00.000-05:00

Brett Favre: "What Should I Do?"

2011-01-24T14:44:00.003-05:00

Ben Roethlisberger's NFL Films Special

2011-01-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

"Big Ben was not to be outdone. The prolific quarterback stumbled back to the bar, took his 12th tequila shot, and wormed his way into the ladies bathroom. Just like losing the AFC Championship game, condom or not, Roethlisberger wasn't going to take 'No' for an answer."

- THE EDITOR

Man Who Refuses To Wash Hands After Using Bathroom Considers Himself The Johnny Appleseed Of Strep

2010-12-20T06:38:00.001-05:00

History Fan Horrified To Learn "Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson" Actually Centers Around Creator Of Maxi-Pad

2010-11-10T14:42:00.002-05:00

Pat Riley Tells Reporters He Has No Idea Who This Erik Spoelstra Person Is

2010-10-29T12:22:00.002-04:00

Previously Angry Cable Subscribers Write Thank-You Notes To Fox For Helping Them Avoid Atrocious World Series

2010-10-25T10:36:00.003-04:00

Tower, This Is Maverick Requesting A Flyby

2010-10-21T11:59:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of DJ Gallo. See his other awesome work here.

Only 17% Of NFL Players Finish Week Six Without Suffering Season-Ending Concussion

2010-10-19T06:33:00.000-04:00

French Demonstrates Take Streets Protesting Government's Proposal To Raise Retirement Age To 25

2010-10-18T06:47:00.000-04:00

For the first time in an entire week, demonstrations and strikes in France over looming pension reform slackened on Saturday. Across all forms of private industry and government service, walk-outs and work stoppages were widespread as thousands protested the conservative government's pledge to increase the normal retirement age of French workers from 22 to 25 years of age.

"Zis is an insult, a travesty, of zee Franch peoples," protester Jacque Fontenot told reporters outside of a train station near Nice. "I turn 21 next month and have been working for almost a year, and Sarkozy [pauses to spit on the ground] and his peoples want me to work another four years? Disgusting!"

Faced with a severe federal budget crisis in the wake of the global economic slowdown of 2008-2009, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has proposed the change as the only way to save the French government from insolvency.

-THE EDITOR

Katy Perry Pushes Boobs Together So Hard They Merge To Form Single Bosom

2010-10-17T06:44:00.002-04:00

In a freakish accident prior to a concert on Friday night, Pop starlet Katy Perry tried on a costume that pushed her boobs together with such force that her breasts actually merged together to form a single, massive bosom.

"Ms. Perry is in her hospital room resting after an exhaustive evaluation process," her agent and manager Mitch Rose told reporters outside of Lewisham Hospital near London. "Katy is alert and feeling well and in no pain, and she wanted me to assure all of you that she will be fine, her bosoms will be fine, and she will be back on tour in no time."

Perry is in the United Kingdom to film an appearance on the British reality television show, "The X Factor."

Known for her sickly-sweet pop music, Perry stirred up controversy in late September for appearing on the children's television show "Sesame Street." While performing a watered-down version of one of her songs with the puppet Elmo, Perry wore a low-cut top displaying her ample chest, although her publicist later argued that she was covered in a flesh-colored mesh.

The accident occurred during dress rehearsal, and appears to be caused by a underwire push-up brassiere that was supported by an incredibly strong elastic material used on the space shuttle. Some of London's finest plastic surgeons are reportedly being contacted along with renowned sports surgeon Dr. James Andrews from the United States.

- THE EDITOR

In Retrospect, Having George W. Bush Pose In Front Of "Mission Accomplished" Banner In The 7th Inning Was A Bit Premature

2010-10-16T06:14:00.000-04:00

NBA Commissioner David Stern Also Considering Moving To 18-Game Schedule

2010-10-15T05:36:00.000-04:00

Gilbert Arenas Doesn't Understand Why Double Murder Of Teammates Is Such A Big Deal, Was Just Kidding After All

2010-10-14T08:55:00.001-04:00

Yankees Pitcher A. J. Burnett Gets Shelled, Gives Up Eight Earned Runs In Simulated Game

2010-10-14T08:39:00.002-04:00

Brett Favre Tearfully Apologizes To Vikings Teammates For Not "Doing The Nasty" With Jets Sideline Reporter

2010-10-11T21:38:00.005-04:00

During a Minnesota Vikings team meeting Monday morning, quarterback Brett Favre reportedly gave a 3-4 minute speech addressing his teammates concerning swirling rumors about his alleged infidelity. ESPN's Michele Tafoya just reported Favre began crying and was "very emotional" as he apologized to players and coaches for flirting heavily but not ultimately closing the deal with Jets pregame show host Jenn Sterger.

"I gave it my best shot guys, I really did," Favre said as he stood above his teammates on a podium built especially for him. "I sent her roses, I told her she was pretty, I even sent her cell phone photos of my wang, but it just wasn't enough and... I... am... sorry."

The sports blog Deadspin.com reported last week that Favre sent extremely graphic text messages and cell phone photos to Sterger. It is possible that the NFL could suspend or fine Favre for violating the league's personal conduct policy, and commissioner Roger Goodell is known as someone who brings down the hammer on this sort of issue.

Kicker Ryan Longwell told Tafoya that Favre told the team, "I need you guys to carry me tonight. I'm going to give it my all, but I'm just not sure what's going to happen. When I can't do the nasty with a sideline reporter at will, I'm not sure I'm good enough to lead these guys in the football field."

- THE EDITOR

Man Running For Congress Refuses To Approve His Message

2010-09-24T11:50:00.002-04:00

Chris Berman Achieves Dream Of Resembling Late 70s Hardcore Porn Star

2010-09-09T10:57:00.002-04:00

Guy Who Thinks Of Himself As The Don Draper Of Insurance Actually Just A Giant Asshole

2010-08-30T10:10:00.002-04:00

Brett Favre's Attempt To Pass Himself To Minnesota Intercepted Over Southern Louisiana

2010-08-18T09:34:00.002-04:00