The Bill Sweet Report

Guy Who Thinks Of Himself As The Don Draper Of Insurance Actually Just A Giant Asshole

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:10:00 +0000

Brett Favre's Attempt To Pass Himself To Minnesota Intercepted Over Southern Louisiana

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 13:34:00 +0000

NCAA Demands That USC's Wins From 2004-2006 Be Erased From Memories Of Fans

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:21:00 +0000

Fat Elvis Berkman Takes His Traveling Strikeout Show To The Bronx

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:41:00 +0000

Pile Of Cat Vomit Houston Astros Received In Lance Berkman Trade Placed On Disabled List

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 15:05:00 +0000

Roy Oswalt Really Looking Forward To Being Known In Philadelphia As "Not Cliff Lee"

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 02:28:00 +0000

Lance Armstrong Found Guilty Of Using Performance Enhancing Bicycle

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 13:48:00 +0000

New Jersey Devils: "Screw It, We'll Sign Ilya Kovalchuk To A 38-Year, $102 Million Deal Then."

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:11:00 +0000

A day after their 17-year, $102 million contract with all-star left wing Ilya Kovalchuk was rejected by the National Hockey League, the New Jersey Devils have once again set a record for the longest contract in NHL history.

"Screw them, that's what I say," Devils General Manager Lou Lou Lamoriello told reporters outside his office in Newark on Thursday. "We signed Ilya last night to a 38-year deal. If Gary Bettman has the stones to reject this contract, we'll sign him to a gazillion-year deal. We're the freaking Devils, after all."

The NHL contended that the basic structure of the original contract, in which Kovalchuk earned 96% of his contract in the first 11 years, was designed to circumvent the league's salary cap rules. The cap restricts the amount of salary a team can pay it's players in any given year. Kovalchuk's new contract pays him 99% of his salary in the first 20 years of the deal, a fact that may still give the NHL pause.

Ted Leonsis, owner of the Devils' rival, the, Washington Capitals, got behind Lou. "Bettman is such a jerk, I'm glad Lou is going to stick it to him." The Capitals have their stars, Nicklas Backstrom and Alex Ovechkin, signed to 13- and 10-year contracts, respectively.

-THE EDITOR

Snarky Major League Baseball Announcer Has Completely Run Out Of "Jamie Moyer Is So Old..." Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 13:04:00 +0000

Great Moments In World Cup History, Number 90: Misspelled Memo Results In World Cup Championship Played In Full Scuba Gear

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 09:08:00 +0000

On July 16th, 1950, FIFA president Jules Rimet wrote a memorandum for league-wide distribution to curb a rash of dehydration. The memorandum referenced "eau autonome," which was mistakenly translated as "aqua lung" into English, Spanish, and Portugese. The gaff resulted in that day's match, Uruguay vs. Brazil, being played entirely in full scuba gear. Uruguay would be crowned the 1950 World Cup champion based on the strength of this game, which they won 2-1.

Great Moments In World Cup History, Number 13: Maradona Plays Entire Match Butt Naked

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 10:31:00 +0000

In the final and deciding match of the 1986 World Cup, the Argentina National Team unveiled a weapon so potent that it almost singlehandedly crushed the 1974 World Cup champion West German team: Diego Maradona's butt naked ass.

"His ass was a thing of beauty," recalls West German team captain Klaus Allofs. "He would sway this way and that with the ball between his legs, and his cheeks would bounce hypnotically. They don't call futbol the beautiful game for nothing."

Distracted by Maradona's complete nudity, Jose Luis Brown was able to score for Argentina in the 23rd minute. Although West Germany would tie the game in the 80th minute, Jorge Burruchaga scored from 83 feet three minutes later as Maradona bent over to examine his toe, distracting the entire West German team in the process.

-THE EDITOR

Phil Jackson Leaving NBA To Star As Gov. David Paterson In Upcoming Lifetime Movie

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:05:00 +0000

America Collectively Wakes Up From Horrible Nightmare In Which Lakers Win Back-To-Back NBA Championships

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 13:15:00 +0000

In a strange phenomena worthy of a science fiction movie, America collectively woke up on Friday morning haunted by a frightening and terrible dream in which the Los Angeles Lakers won the 2010 NBA Championship.

"Oh, man, it was awful," recounts resident Joe Arnone of Denver, Colorado. "In my dream, Kobe 'Rapist' Bryant was prancing about the basketball court with his arms flailing and his tongue wagging uncontrollably, like some kind of drugged-up, sex-crazed porn star. It was truly horrendous."

Many from across the country can recount very specific details from the mass nightmare that somehow corroborate. Kate Johnson and Julie Walsh, roommates in Bloomington, Illinois, both had nearly identical recollections of the dream game seven. "I remember the Celtics were up by double digits, and then it was like their offense just stopped dead in it's tracks," Johnson recounts. "It was like watching an inept plumber try to free-up a clogged toilet." Walsh added, "I thought it was really weird that the dream Celtics couldn't get a single rebound in traffic. It gives me the shivers to think about it."

"Thank goodness it was only a bad dream."

-THE EDITOR

Entire Media Conspiring To Hide Blake Lively's Massive Farting Problem

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 10:59:00 +0000

Since emerging in 2005's Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants and 2007's Gossip Girl, the print, online, and broadcast media have conspired to hide Blake Lively's most shocking secret: that she has massive and uncontrollable flatulence belting from her underside all day long.

"Her farts can peel paint," Editor-In-Chief of Vogue Magazine Anna Wintour revealed to Entertainment Tonight reporter Kevin Frazier. "She farts in the morning, she farts at night, at all and any hours of the day. That woman produces more methane than the American beef industry."

Ryan Reynolds, co-star with Lively in the upcoming "Green Lantern" movie, confirmed the reports when interviewed outside of his home in Los Angeles. "Oh, Blake, yes, she's a farting machine. Halfway through the movie, they had to outfit my Green Lantern costume with a mask just to keep the raw odor from making me lightheaded."

Unnamed sources reveal that numerous common remedies to Lively's flatulence have been completely and totally ineffective. "Avoiding milk and dairy products, Beano, Acidophillis - these are all very tried and true methods to reduce anal odor," said Indianapolis physician Dr. Gary Anderson. The source says that Lively has tried every single one of these methods, yet still farts like a fat kid at a burrito-eating contest night and day.

- THE EDITOR

The NBA: Where Rondo Happens

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:07:00 +0000

Great Moments In World Cup History, Number 82: Alexi Lalas Hits On Your Girlfriend

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:29:00 +0000

On June 5th, 2010, former United States National Team soccer player and current ESPN analyst Alexi Lalas corners your girlfriend at O'Flaherty's Ale House. Slurring his words and perceptibly teetering, Lalas hits on her for approximately 14 minutes while you attempt to burn a hole in the side of his face with your eyes. Babbling incoherently about the finer points of soccer, your girlfriend is more frightened than intimidated by this hulking, smelly, butt-chinned man. You leave the bar as soon as he stumbles his way to the bathroom.

Great Moments In World Cup History, Number Four: Dynamic Rule Change Allows Offensive Players To Cross Midfield

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 11:33:00 +0000

Prior to 1934, no offensive player was allowed to cross the center line into his opponent's territory. This resulted in only a single goal being scored in the 1930 World Cup, which came only after a rogue sniper systematically murdered or wounded the entire Argentinian team in the final match. The 1934 rule change to allow players to cross midfield decreased ties in World Cup matches almost 40% over the next 76 years.

- THE EDITOR

Great Moments In World Cup History, Number 17: Illinois Man Forced To Watch World Cup Game Out Of Sheer Laziness

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:20:00 +0000

In 1986 Gary Sanders, a 44-year old auto worker from Skokie, Illinois, loses his remote in the cushions of his couch. Unable to locate it and too lazy to get up and change the channel on the television, Gary begrudgingly watches the last 37 minutes of Argentina vs. West Germany. Gary curses under his breath at the "pansies" and "fruity krauts" intermittently while sipping on a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

-THE EDITOR

Tony Romo Makes First Cut In Being A Smarmy Douchebag Tournament

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:03:00 +0000

Washington Nationals Pitching Phenom Stephen Strasburg Called Up By BP To Halt Gulf Oil Spill

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 14:55:00 +0000

After spending the first quarter of the season playing AAA ball, the Washington Nationals have finally decided that right-hander Stephen Strasburg will make his Major League debut on June 8th. His first opponent out of the gate: the Gulf Oil spill.

"We believe he is ready to go," general manager Mike Rizzo announced on Monday. "His fast ball is currently hitting 98-99 miles per hour, exactly the kind of power needed to plug that leaking well. We like that Stephen can bounce back from tough outings and get runners out, and believe he won't be phased by setbacks, like when the 'top-kill' and dome-based strategies failed."

Strasburg was the first overall pick in the 2009 first-year player draft, and has dominated the minor leagues this year. He is a combined 6-2 with a 1.43 ERA and 60 strikeouts in 50 innings for Double-A Harrisburg and Triple-A Syracuse. His performance has made an impression on many, but probably the most impressed individual is none other than BP's Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward.

"He's got some unbelievable stuff, and is really a once-in-a-lifetime pitcher," Hayward told reporters outside of his London flat. "We called him up to the big leagues in the Gulf of Mexico because this is a once-in-a-lifetime oil spill, and heaven knows we could use some talent in striking this accident out."

Baseball scouts expect Strasburg to feed the spill a steady diet of fastballs, mixing in a few off-speed pitches such as a change-up and a oil-bending slider to keep the gusher honest. For long-suffering Nationals fans who have watching nothing but losing baseball in Washington as well as short-suffering beach goers and the Louisiana wildlife, Strasburg's arrival couldn't have come at a better time.

-THE EDITOR

Guy With Smartphone Clearly Smarter Than You

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Fri, 21 May 2010 15:10:00 +0000

Stan Van Gundy Blames Horrific People Of Orlando For Back-To-Back Home Playoff Losses To Celtics

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Wed, 19 May 2010 16:58:00 +0000

New Baby-Shit Mustard New York License Plate To Make Your Car Look 18% Crappier

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Sat, 15 May 2010 16:36:00 +0000

New York Department of Motor Vehicle Commissioner David J. Swarts unveiled the state's new license plate last week to much fanfare, controversy, and criticism. While some working moms familiar with the color inspiring the change recognized it instantly, most of the population wasn't familiar with baby shit mustard yellow until seeing it on their Lincolns, Cadillacs, and Honda Civics.

"New Yorkers have a lot to be ashamed of," Governor David Paterson said at a news conference outside the capitol building in Albany. "We were the epicenter of the financial crisis, receiver of over 78% of the federal financial bailout, and we have some nice cars. It's about time that someone did something to knock New York down a peg, and we have David to thank for making us look like the assholes we are."

Not everyone appears to be a fan of the new plates of the once-proudest state in the union. Bronx native John Guerrero counts himself among them. "I bought myself a white Acura TSX to have it stand out. Now, every time I look at my car, I think that a giant bird took a crap on my license plate."

- THE EDITOR

LeBron James Shocks Media, Teammates By Wearing Knicks Jersey To Game Six

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Fri, 14 May 2010 00:57:00 +0000

REPORT: Sidney Crosby's Face Removed, Miroslav Halak's Face Added To Canadian Flag

noreply@blogger.com (brotha B) — Thu, 13 May 2010 01:51:00 +0000